New Business

JL Assembly is a Midlands based flat pack assembly service. See contact page for areas covered. We provide the service for those who feel that they don't have the confidence, time, energy, strength or patience to assemble the furniture themselves. All flat pack furniture can be assembled from small bedside cabinets to large wardrobes and everything in between. This also includes garden furniture and children's play equipment. Have your furniture assembled at a time that suits you as we work 7 days a week 8am - 8pm. Click the Contact Tab at the top of the screen for your flat pack assembly quotes.

The Book has arrived.

THE UNEMPLOYMENT DIARIES by JAMES LOWRY | Make Your Own Book

29th March

I'm sitting here with a cup of tea and a two slightly burnt Pop Tarts writing what could possibly be the last installment in the Unemployment Diaries. Its a sad day but being the nice person I am I thought it was about time that I stopped interrupting your news feed, timelines and general lives with my incessant drivel. Then I thought nah sod it I'll write one more. You don't have to read it, its a decision i'll leave entirely down to you. Just like when you'll decide whether you want to click on any of the adverts that litter this page. You don't have to but why don't you just try a couple. (All money earned from adverts clicked will be donated to a very worthy and charitable cause, Me).

Job Centre news - I have now finally managed to cut my ties with with the ever so helpful advisers staff  cretins at the Job Centre. In a strange way though it was quite emotional knowing that I will not be going back in two weeks time to be treated like some kind of mutant that has no grasp of human behaviour, let alone the prospect of work.

In all fairness though yesterdays meeting went quite smoothly. I explained that I would like to sign off and surprisingly, almost like I had insulted his child he sharply and snappily replied WHY??? I then retorted with a sentence I'm not sure is heard or understood within the realms of the Job Centre, I replied " Because I have a job". After the initial shock, panic and disruption, I was advised that this would be OK (I didn't realise That I needed permission) and after a hand shake and a wish of good luck I was thrust out of the office. Hopefully never having to return.

In preparation for Mondays assault on my newly developed laziness, I decided today would be a good idea to get a few things sorted for the new job, one of these little chores being to fill the car with petrol. My ideas at present have been letting me down somewhat and today has made me realise that Dave (The TV channel) does not keep its viewers up to date on current affairs. Its my own fault for watching Top Gear and reruns of Jonathan Creek that I did not notice the rest of the UK becoming petrol hoarders. I understand the concept that if there is a fuel strike petrol stations will run out of diesel and people will die, what I don't get is people like old Derek who drive less than ten miles a week deciding that he must now fill up his tank for the first time since the last strike just incase that no unleaded fuel will lead to armageddon. Thirty five minutes I waited at the garage for my turn at the pump whilst stupidly leaving my engine running, wasting the very commodity I was waiting to buy more of. 

With the petrol now purchased and my hair having been cut I will now retire to the garden where I will enhance the redness of my already sun burnt bonce and enjoy my last few days of unemployment.

Thanks for reading, Its been fun.

Now stop reading and go and buy petrol before time itself stops and we no longer exist.

Done.

21st March

Well only a week and a half left before my unemployment chapter comes to an end and this blog will probably cease to exist.

Last Wednesday, I had what should've been my last visit to the village of the jobless. After asking to sign off as I will be starting a job on the 2nd of April, I was told that because i'm scheduled to go in again on the 28th of this month I should sign off in that meeting. The whole idea of me wanting to sign off there and then I explained was because now I have a forthcoming role I do not need to visit said meeting to discuss suitable job roles and it was a waste of their and my time. After many minutes of going round in circles I left the job centre without having signed off and pencilled in for a meeting on the 28th March to Discuss this new government scheme of compulsive voluntary work. of course this will be pointless as 5 days later I will no longer be a David Cameron statistic.

Fell back onto the Pop tart diet again this morning after running out of frosted wheats. Will power has taken a bit of a knock but as long as I only eat them in moderation I should be ok.

With the morning chores and blog now updated I shall go and make a cup of tea and watch Jeremy Clarkson and co get up to mischief on Dave again.

March 5th The start of the end

It has now been around 168,000 minutes since I fell into the dimly lit, platitudinal and wearisome world of the Jobseeker. By harbouring the power and energy from the interweb and the strawberry jam type filling found in Pop tarts, I have managed to keep my self from falling deeper into the unemployed void. A void where only the friendly voices no-one else hears can keep you sane.

And now after 2,800 + hours, I am pleased to announce that the days of squandering my time lounging around the house in my onesie, brushing pastry crumbs off my belly, whilst watching Dave are soon to be coming to an end. I have been offered a chance of redemption in the working universe. Another chance to show my worth, and earn my worth in a tax paying civilisation. A place where I no longer need to visit the Job centre to be treated like a farmed pet with only a number for a name. A place where i'll be able to afford to go out again and buy things. A place where the ramblings of a man with with no job and a lot of spare time isn't thrust into your lives via social networking websites.

My new job will commence the beginning of April so therefore I will now fulfill the next 2,332,800 seconds by eating Pop Tarts, drinking tea and watching Top Gear.

Feb 21st

A Pop Tart with a cats head. The internet is a strange but beautiful place.

Feb 10th

Up and awake early again today. Not sure why, it just means the day of nothing lasts longer.

Had frosted wheats for breakfast today which was thoroughly enjoyable. This could be the answer to finally getting off the Pop Tarts. Only being frosted on one side also makes them the healthier option. Which is nice to know.

I have been given a list of chores to do in order to keep myself busy and to stop myself from getting fed up today.

This list includes 'Spring' cleaning my room. Not sure how I'm meant to do this as it is definitely 'Winter' outside. Still I shall give it a good go. I'll open the window but still leave the heating on. It might feel a bit more, April like.

Well there is no time like the present. I will finish my cup of tea, arm myself with a cloth, some pledge and a feather duster. Then go at it, like a Dyson with elbows.

Spring has been cleaned and the lightheadedness from the inhalation of pledge has started to subside. On a positive note the last two hours have flown by, just disappearing into a dark swirling abyss of forgotten wonders, memories and sweetly coated breakfast pastry snacks.

Pledge fumes are obviously stronger than first thought.

Time for lunch and possibly a lie down.