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The Book has arrived.

THE UNEMPLOYMENT DIARIES by JAMES LOWRY | Make Your Own Book

29th March

I'm sitting here with a cup of tea and a two slightly burnt Pop Tarts writing what could possibly be the last installment in the Unemployment Diaries. Its a sad day but being the nice person I am I thought it was about time that I stopped interrupting your news feed, timelines and general lives with my incessant drivel. Then I thought nah sod it I'll write one more. You don't have to read it, its a decision i'll leave entirely down to you. Just like when you'll decide whether you want to click on any of the adverts that litter this page. You don't have to but why don't you just try a couple. (All money earned from adverts clicked will be donated to a very worthy and charitable cause, Me).

Job Centre news - I have now finally managed to cut my ties with with the ever so helpful advisers staff  cretins at the Job Centre. In a strange way though it was quite emotional knowing that I will not be going back in two weeks time to be treated like some kind of mutant that has no grasp of human behaviour, let alone the prospect of work.

In all fairness though yesterdays meeting went quite smoothly. I explained that I would like to sign off and surprisingly, almost like I had insulted his child he sharply and snappily replied WHY??? I then retorted with a sentence I'm not sure is heard or understood within the realms of the Job Centre, I replied " Because I have a job". After the initial shock, panic and disruption, I was advised that this would be OK (I didn't realise That I needed permission) and after a hand shake and a wish of good luck I was thrust out of the office. Hopefully never having to return.

In preparation for Mondays assault on my newly developed laziness, I decided today would be a good idea to get a few things sorted for the new job, one of these little chores being to fill the car with petrol. My ideas at present have been letting me down somewhat and today has made me realise that Dave (The TV channel) does not keep its viewers up to date on current affairs. Its my own fault for watching Top Gear and reruns of Jonathan Creek that I did not notice the rest of the UK becoming petrol hoarders. I understand the concept that if there is a fuel strike petrol stations will run out of diesel and people will die, what I don't get is people like old Derek who drive less than ten miles a week deciding that he must now fill up his tank for the first time since the last strike just incase that no unleaded fuel will lead to armageddon. Thirty five minutes I waited at the garage for my turn at the pump whilst stupidly leaving my engine running, wasting the very commodity I was waiting to buy more of. 

With the petrol now purchased and my hair having been cut I will now retire to the garden where I will enhance the redness of my already sun burnt bonce and enjoy my last few days of unemployment.

Thanks for reading, Its been fun.

Now stop reading and go and buy petrol before time itself stops and we no longer exist.

Done.

21st March

Well only a week and a half left before my unemployment chapter comes to an end and this blog will probably cease to exist.

Last Wednesday, I had what should've been my last visit to the village of the jobless. After asking to sign off as I will be starting a job on the 2nd of April, I was told that because i'm scheduled to go in again on the 28th of this month I should sign off in that meeting. The whole idea of me wanting to sign off there and then I explained was because now I have a forthcoming role I do not need to visit said meeting to discuss suitable job roles and it was a waste of their and my time. After many minutes of going round in circles I left the job centre without having signed off and pencilled in for a meeting on the 28th March to Discuss this new government scheme of compulsive voluntary work. of course this will be pointless as 5 days later I will no longer be a David Cameron statistic.

Fell back onto the Pop tart diet again this morning after running out of frosted wheats. Will power has taken a bit of a knock but as long as I only eat them in moderation I should be ok.

With the morning chores and blog now updated I shall go and make a cup of tea and watch Jeremy Clarkson and co get up to mischief on Dave again.

March 5th The start of the end

It has now been around 168,000 minutes since I fell into the dimly lit, platitudinal and wearisome world of the Jobseeker. By harbouring the power and energy from the interweb and the strawberry jam type filling found in Pop tarts, I have managed to keep my self from falling deeper into the unemployed void. A void where only the friendly voices no-one else hears can keep you sane.

And now after 2,800 + hours, I am pleased to announce that the days of squandering my time lounging around the house in my onesie, brushing pastry crumbs off my belly, whilst watching Dave are soon to be coming to an end. I have been offered a chance of redemption in the working universe. Another chance to show my worth, and earn my worth in a tax paying civilisation. A place where I no longer need to visit the Job centre to be treated like a farmed pet with only a number for a name. A place where i'll be able to afford to go out again and buy things. A place where the ramblings of a man with with no job and a lot of spare time isn't thrust into your lives via social networking websites.

My new job will commence the beginning of April so therefore I will now fulfill the next 2,332,800 seconds by eating Pop Tarts, drinking tea and watching Top Gear.

Feb 21st

A Pop Tart with a cats head. The internet is a strange but beautiful place.

Feb 10th

Up and awake early again today. Not sure why, it just means the day of nothing lasts longer.

Had frosted wheats for breakfast today which was thoroughly enjoyable. This could be the answer to finally getting off the Pop Tarts. Only being frosted on one side also makes them the healthier option. Which is nice to know.

I have been given a list of chores to do in order to keep myself busy and to stop myself from getting fed up today.

This list includes 'Spring' cleaning my room. Not sure how I'm meant to do this as it is definitely 'Winter' outside. Still I shall give it a good go. I'll open the window but still leave the heating on. It might feel a bit more, April like.

Well there is no time like the present. I will finish my cup of tea, arm myself with a cloth, some pledge and a feather duster. Then go at it, like a Dyson with elbows.

Spring has been cleaned and the lightheadedness from the inhalation of pledge has started to subside. On a positive note the last two hours have flown by, just disappearing into a dark swirling abyss of forgotten wonders, memories and sweetly coated breakfast pastry snacks.

Pledge fumes are obviously stronger than first thought.

Time for lunch and possibly a lie down.

Feb 8th.

Not been on here recently and for that I apologise but Its been very difficult to try and think of things to write when everyday has become the same.

Wake up.
Cup of Tea.
Pop Tarts. (I still haven't kicked the habit, but now is not the right time).
Job search.
Lunch.
More Job searching.
TV.
Dinner.
TV.
Sleep.

Then repeat.

The only changes in my routine are generally the variables. I look forward to choosing what to have for lunch or dinner or what programme will entertain me on the evenings.

I now also enjoy the Job Centre experience, Not for being looked down upon but for the chance to get out the house and do something different. I also then know that I have some money on the way. Money which will let me go out once every two weeks to try and slowly stave off the growing attack of cabin fever.

I even got excited about going to the dentist last week. Albeit leaving disappointed after being informed that I'm too old to be rewarded with a lollipop. I did try to use the argument that as I'm unemployed I therefore have free dental treatment. This is the same as children so why do they get a lollipop and not me? She was not amused.

Still its not all doom and gloom, The snow has had no adverse affects on my life whatsoever.

Just seen the time. Must go and choose what to have for lunch now. Exciting times.

Jan 24th

Another short one today. 

This post is purely to advertise my other post on the below link. Enjoy.

THE MIXTAPE IS DEAD

Jan 23rd

Still nothing going on except waiting to hear back from a few things. I'm not going to write a lot on here today as I've spent the last 3 hours writing an article for another blog about music and stuff. If you like reading about dance music and mainly the art of mixing have a read. I don't mention Pop Tarts once.

Once posted i'll put the link here, in the meantime though check out the other posts and listen to the mixtapes. They're good. I think you'll like them.

http://themixtapeisdead.blogspot.com/

Jan 19th

Another job interview completed this morning and fingers crossed it went ok. This interview was for a real job with a guaranteed salary and everything. I'm hoping something might come out of this one.

Normality returned at the job centre yesterday where I was yet again treated like an idiot. I was informed that three examples of my job searching was no longer satisfactory and that I would have to provide six from now on. I kindly explained that with the amount of jobs I had been applying for I would fill the book in the space of 2 hours. Being an idiot, scumbag and a liar I was asked to prove this. Luckily I have kept all my emails on my smart phone. Her face was brilliant. But not as brilliant as the smugness on mine.

Jan 17th

After a long weekend of doing what I can also do in the week, generally nothing. I have awoken early to hit this day hard in the face and concentrate on finding a job again.

Well that was the idea until after checking the myriad of job sites that I have at my disposal. It turns out that because of my eagerness to join the working world, I seem to have been applying for more jobs quicker than they have been becoming available. This now means that any job role within a 10 mile radius and which I feel my skills and knowledge base could vastly improve, has been applied for. Probably twice.

I now have no choice but to begin the long and laborious task of sitting and waiting. And sit and wait is what I will do, even though I know that when the phone does ring it will either be from a 'sales and marketing role' I didn't even apply for, or from one of the agencies. An agency that after visiting and sitting with for over an hour discussing my working history, experience, the type of job that I am looking for and the kind of salary I would expect. To offer me a part time job counting pencils in a stationary cupboard for 84p an hour, or as a full time replica shirt making slave for a large premier league club which pays less than the pencil counting role.

Well another rant over, and I must say that by writing, typing or blogging it down that it's quite calming. Try it. Next time any of you feel annoyed or angry try seeking solace in the Internet in a way other than a Facebook status.

Cup of tea time I think.

Pop tarts update.

Unfortunately after having a bit of a low slump towards the end of last week I did give in and have a couple. Still I have only had 4 within the last 3 weeks so I still think its possible to beat them completely. With all your help I know I can do it.

Jan 12th

Mop has finally been chopped and I feel so much better now that I don't resemble some kind of shocked gorilla.

Two "job" interviews completed this week. Both of which I will not be following up.

I feel a bit naive after only learning at the age of 27 the term 'sales, marketing and promotion' is in fact the industry trying to polish the proverbial turd that is door to door sales.

After 3 hours working alongside a 'sales rep' in the back streets of an unknown town, one sale was accomplished. This came at house 73 of the 145 doors we we tried to impress at. I was then dropped off at a bus stop to make my own way back to the office (own funds required) in order for the final interview. This final interview consisted of a 10 question quiz to see what we had learned throughout our day in the role. I was surprised to not see the question,

Why are you still here filling this in? Are you mad?

After I completed the "perplexing only for a monkey" test. I was invited into an office for the interview. I was asked no questions and offered a job. A job that is paid by commission only and I would on average earn about 135 per week after 60 of walking round streets facing mouthfuls of abuse and rejections from home owners who do not care for any product being pushed in their faces through their own front door.

Needless to say I have rejected the offer.

Instead I have worked out that I could possibly earn more and in less hours by becoming a full time paper boy. The concept is pretty much the same to the aforementioned role, I would walk the streets placing crap through people's letter boxes but I would actually be guaranteed the pay. Also if I was lucky enough to have a Saturday paper with the leaflets and flyers, I could potentially rake in the ££££s

Right. Rant over. Back to the drawing board it is. Oh and I'll have some Pop
Tarts and a cup of tea for comfort.

Jan 11th

Well what a strange couple of days.

Apologies for the lack of updates over the last couple of days but it's all just been a bit odd.

I will endeavour to fill in the gaps in tomorrows post for you all but only after I finally get my long awaited haircut.

Jan 10th

My first job interview in months today. It was quite odd getting up early this morning and getting ready for a reason. Well my cup of tea has been drunk and my suit is on. My world dominance is almost ready to commence. If that fails though I'll concentrate on my job interview.

Jan 9th

Finally the job applications seem to be paying off. The responses from last weeks job searching frenzy have started to come in and I am pleased to announce that my diary for this week is now full of job interviews.

I know that this is no guarantee that i'll be back in the world of the employed but I am looking forward to putting my suit on again for a reason other than fancy dress parties, weddings, bah-mitzvah's or the occasional court appearance.

Jan 6th

It's Friday. This means nothing.

Before the influx of job interviews arrive I'm going to go and get my hair cut to tidy myself up a bit and to stop myself from looking like a fat Vic Reeves.

I'm going to use my bicycle to get to the barbers. Not for the exercise but because petrol has become quite expensive for the unemployed.

What a complete waste of time that was. Due to the fact that my bicycle has not seen daylight for a few months both tyres are flat. After using the car, I arrived to find that he is full and can't fit me in for a haircut until Tuesday.

A waste of time, a waste of petrol and I'm still left looking like a well fed monkey with a shaved face.

Think I'll go to the pub.

Jan 5th

Feeling really bored today and I have just wasted two hours of my life that I will never get back watching back to back episodes of two and a half men.

So far the only joy I have had today came in the shape of a prawn salad. The sell by date was yesterday but it still tasted ok. I might have a cup of tea in a bit too. It really is all go.

It's days like today that makes me wonder how I ever managed to fit a job into my hectic life.

Jan 4th

Well after my unofficial christmas holiday its all back to normal today. New year, New Attitude and all that.

Job Centre visit complete, again with no issues but also no jobs and i've spent the last 2 hours applying for jobs online, the majority of which I'm positive don't actually exist.

Even though its still depressing I will be doubling my efforts in the hunt for the elusive job, as I'm not sure how much more I can take living in this land of unemployed-dom.

I have now gone five days without Pop Tarts, the patches seem to be working.




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